Milan – Page 102 – a sibilant intake of breath

Published from 11 Library Court, Wadham College, Oxford

Sitting on the train to Oxford, from London, I am thinking back on the exceptionally extended day that was yesterday. Sleepless on Tuesday night, I spent much of the flight to London in a kind of uneasy resting trance: punctuated by turbulence and the screaming of infants. As it worked out, I had one such child on each side of me.

Unable to find a bus to Oxford from Gatwick Airport, I decided to take the train into London. I arrived at Victoria Station at 5:00am in the local time. Knowing that I couldn’t carry on thinking of myself as a fairly decent human being if I called Sarah so soon, I spend the next two and a half hours reading The Metaphysical Club. It’s a book about which I cannot possibly hope to hold on to the details, once I am finished, but about which I’ve appreciated the general thrust. In particular, I like the bits about the nature of the Northern abolitionist movement in the United States prior to the civil war, as well as the lengthy section discussing the evolution and frequent misapplication of statistics.

At 7:30, I called Sarah and then conveyed myself – along with my weight in baggage – from Victoria Station to a tube station in the northeast part of greater London, where she met me. She and her fiancee Peter are living in a flat immediately beside the construction site where their new and permanent home is being constructed. Glad to be able to leave my bags there, I headed back into town with Sarah for a day of wandering.

We began by visiting Covent Garden, one of many places that I remember from my prior visit in the summer of 2001. Nearby, we visited Sarah’s favourite map shop and I got small maps of London and Oxford. Just having them in my pocket, I feel less out-of-place. From there, we briefly visited Trafalgar Square: with Nelson’s column, Canada House, and hordes of marauding pigeons on display. Afterwards, we stopped by University College London, where swarms of international students are waiting in long lines in colour coded sections. Naturally, I got my photo taken beside the preserved corpse of famed utilitarian Jeremy Bentham. We then met with Peter for lunch in the building where he works; Sarah tells me that the Ministry of Truth in Orwell’s 1984 is modeled after it. It was also a favourite building of Adolph Hitler, who apparently intended to make it into his headquarters once he conquered Britain.

After cappuccinos and conversation with Peter – who works at digitizing data when not doing historical research towards his PhD – Sarah and I took the tube to Saint Paul’s, crossed the Millennium Bridge, and visited the Tate Modern Gallery. She had never been there before and I took care to bring her into the building through its soaring atrium. A converted power station, the Tate Modern has a very distinctive aesthetic that I quite appreciate. Wandering through at about three times standard, respectful museum walking speed, we realized that we have a view of modern art that is not overly dissimilar.

Back at Peter and Sarah’s flat, we had lasagna and wine for dinner. Despite the interesting conversation, I found myself seriously wavering by 9:30, having not properly slept since Monday night – some sixty hours previously. This morning, I woke up around 7:30am, feeling much more awake than I would have dared to hope for. Sarah accompanied me along the streets and through the tube to Paddington Station.

As was the case last summer, I am overwhelmed with appreciation for Sarah’s exceptional hospitality. It changes the whole character of arriving in a strange place to have a helpful friend there. I shall have no such friends in Oxford, but this day in London has mitigated many of my concerns about that.

PS. Let it be known that the Shane Koyczan CD that Sasha Wiley gave me (American Pie Chart) and the Apocalyptica CD that Drew Gave me (Reflections) are both superb. They enriched the plane ride and the days before it.

Farewell to Vancouver, and the West

Some sort of melancholic poem might be appropriate here, but I’ve been too busy to prepare one.

Tomorrow morning, I am to wake at 4:30am in order to cross town to the airport, get through whatever kind of security screening they feel inclined to subject me to, and board my 8:30am flight. Stopping in Edmonton en route, I should reach Gatwick Airport, outside London, around 3:40am on Thursday (GMT).

I am not the only one heading off during this space of time. As I understand it, Neal is in the air right now on his way to China. In the next few days, Kerrie and Nolan will be leaving for Ghana. I wish all of them the very best, and a safe journey.

Meeting with people during the past few days, as well as speaking with them and corresponding, has been highly gratifying. Meeting Jonathan, Emerson, Hilary, and Nick at various times today was likewise very welcome. Speaking to Meghan, Viktoria, Sarah, et all was certainly also appreciated. By far the biggest negative aspect of going to Oxford will be the breadth of separation created between my family, friends, and I. Undoubtedly, the two years will provide at least a few new ones. With luck, I’ll have the chance to introduce them to people who come visit me in Oxford.

I really should have cleared the contents of my cell phone after calling everyone to say goodbye, but, alas, Meghan Mathieson can testify to the quality of my memory. If I missed you, it’s probably because I didn’t have a copy of your phone number archived somewhere in my GMail folders.

In any case, I still have a few little bits of packing to do, which I’d like to deal with before it gets late. It’s impressive how all the bits and bobs that I’ve spent so long sorting and packing will probably amount to very little once I actually get to Oxford. I will not, for instance, have the slightest thing with which to decorate my room. All such concerns really ought to be pushed aside for the moment, however. When next I write, I shall still be your faithful blogging correspondent: now with a United Kingdom posting.

Packing to depart

Aside from a few well-deserved breaks, today was all packing. Things staying behind were put into large plastic or cardboard boxes and then duct taped shut and piled in the closet. Things coming along have been piled hither and thither, in anticipation of the moment where the suitcases will come out and their ultimate fate is being decided.

The first and most extensive of the well-earned breaks was to have coffee in the Village with Jonathan. Tea, actually, for me, but that’s beside the point. After he headed off to meet Dania, I spoke briefly with Cheryl (from my grad class) and Lana (who works at Delany’s).

It strikes me as quite important right now to think as little as possible about the whole leaving for two years thing. Otherwise, I am liable to get very sad and spend anguished hours contemplating how far I will be from some truly wonderful people. Clearly, that kind of sentimentalism is less than productive and, with great piles of every dimension and description strewn about the entire basement, I haven’t the time for such sumptuousness.

Going to England, it also seemed wise to apply some of the Gore-Tex enhancing spray that Meghan and I bought for the Bowron Lakes adventure to my jacket. A few precious books, perhaps some photographs, and the scotch from Ashley will all be squirreled away in my various suitcases. Due to a combination of getting residence in College and being daunted by the dimensions of the box I got for it, the bicycle will be spending the next two years decorating the area under my parents’ porch. I’ve always been much more of a walker anyways. If I had time for more symbolic gestures, some grossly elaborated stroll would be just the thing.

As it happens, it looks as though I will be having a Galleria sandwich for lunch, as I told Hilary I would. Hopefully, Jonathan will come along, as he will just be finishing his shift at Whole Foods. Seeing Alison and Sarah P. would also be ideal, though we will have to see what can be managed. Tomorrow night, there is to be some kind of a terminal family dinner.

Despite an eleventh hour email from her, I don’t think there is much chance of seeing Kate before my departure. While it would have been wonderful to do so (as it has been wonderful to see off so many others), it strikes me as ultimately more important that we are both keen on meeting than it would have been to carry the desire through to completion. We live through the impacts that we have on the minds of others and it makes me feel somewhat redeemed to be back somewhere near Kate’s good graces. I hope she will be among those who visit me in Oxford.

Departure party

The departure party was wonderful; my thanks go out to everyone who showed up. In particular, I’d like to thank everyone who brought food and wine (with which the party was most amply provided). Also, thanks to those who brought music to feed to the iBook, to Meaghan for bringing me flowers, and to Ashley for bringing single malt scotch. Now, after having woken up at 4:30pm and spent a few hours cleaning up, I finally feel as though I am really leaving. Suddenly, I have no time.

I will miss you all.

Seeing so many friends together is always a gratifying experience. On the brink of a long journey, it is always extremely comforting to know that you will be missed. In particular, it was good to see some of the people who I’ve been unable to see often of late, like Sasha and Greg. The party went exceedingly late, with the last guest leaving around 7am, and generally served as a very fitting prelude to my departure. I feel as though I should write more about it, but it’s always easier to write about bad or frustrating times than good ones. In any case, photos are now online.

During these next few days, I need to finish packing – both things coming with me into suitcases and things staying into neatly stacked boxes. I will not be bringing any photographs, but I suspect I will be glad of the thousand or so that I’ve taken in the last week or so with the digital camera. The only problem with it has been the terrible flash metering: so bad it makes me wonder whether this particular camera is defective somehow. Perhaps I should exchange it.

Vancouver conclusions

The instant I got back from the shortened hike, or rather about three quarters of the way through the zombie movie Jonathan and I were watching afterwards, life suddenly became a lot busier. Aside from an unbloggable surprise, I came home to a large mangled envelope from Wadham College. Along with a trio of order forms for caps, gowns, and other similarly silly regalia, they want me to ask permission for every electrical device I am bringing, by means of a request form. They also want five more photos (in addition to the seven I have already sent at various times), a medical questionnaire, a student contact information form, and some other miscellaneous paperwork. The oddest things is the condition of the package, which has the look of having been treated with genuine cruelty by the people at the post office.

Sarah has eased my concerns about the Oxford reading list considerably. I’d also like to thank her again for suggesting Wadham College. Reading through their materials, I am glad to see that they are much less stuffy than I feared a college might be. In particular, their Queer Bop sounds like great fun. There is enormous pleasure that can be had from taking leave of one’s inhibitions, when in the company of people who you respect and who have a sense of irony. Their stated aim: “to provide a humane and civilised environment for intellectual and personal growth” could also hardly be improved.

Otherwise, I spent tonight finishing my comprehensive read of this week’s Economist. After eight years and around 400 issues, it’s not a thing I will be dropping at Oxford – regardless of the reading load they demand. I maintain that I have learned more about politics, history, and the world at large from this one publication than from any other identifiable source. If I could inject one changed preference into the mind of my youngest brother, it would certainly be the substitution of a love of reading for the elongated pointlessness that is ceaseless computer gaming.

So, the departure party is tomorrow. For many of you, this will be the last chance to see me during the next two years – barring the surprise of a return to Vancouver before the completion of the M.Phil. I am excited about the party and I hope the attendance will be good. I see it as a chance to move forward the process of forgetting the short-term irritations that can strain relationships and leave things on a good footing before my departure. Clearly, that can’t be achieved with everyone in so short a time and among so many others but, between these last weeks, the party, and the few days to come, I will do what I can. Shirley Hazzard remarks that “when a man returns, it is usually to women;” the converse is equally true. Above all, it is women from whom I am departing.

Thinking about the unbloggable surprise, I sometimes feel that all of life is nothing but a shambles: a rough tangle of thoughts and experiences and histories that are impossible to pin down or agree upon. Sometimes, I feel menaced by the past. Often, I feel threatened by the future. In the end, I suppose I muddle along – sometimes inspired, sometimes enamoured – but mostly propelled by an ancient energy that is ultimately quite outside of me. It’s a stream beyond individual intention that just sweeps us all along, towards the inevitable unknown.

Happy Birthday Sarah Stewart

Last night, I followed the link that Marga Lyall sent me to the M.Phil in International Relations reading list. Looking at the week-by-week list for a single course, I am flabbergasted. It’s an astonishing amount of reading. It includes 25 books as ‘general reading’ and a similar number for every week. Even reading 14 hours a day, I don’t think anyone could actually read all of this. There must be something I am missing.

I am happy to note that Jonathan is now on board for the hike tomorrow. I met with him this afternoon for coffee and then a walk up Mosquito Creek with their dog, Buddy. I remember that perpetually energetic black beast accompanying us on my first two trips to Hornby Island: the one where I slept in a hammock in a grove of Arbutus trees; the one where I met Kate. Jonathan has been off canoeing for the past few days and it was certainly good to spend some time with him. I learned that he just got a job at the bakery in the Whole Foods within the new addition to Park Royal. From what I’ve heard, they are an unusually good employer and I am glad for him.

After having a cup of tea with Jonathan and his father, I headed home and spent the evening reading – not from the intimidating reading list above, though that may have been wise. Instead, I finished most of this week’s Economist and read to nearly the end of The Great Fire, which I still recommend heartily to most everyone. As I walked home, I saw Sarah Stewart outside of Starbucks, learned that today is her birthday, and invited her to my farewell party. Though I’ve been mildly smitten with her, to varying degrees, since high school, this will be the first time we do anything social and not related to school or her employment at Starbucks.

With five days left in Vancouver, the few hurried hours I will have on Wednesday morning not really counting, the time has come to turn to packing and other final preparation. In some sense, the hike falls into the latter category: a symbolic traverse of North Vancouver as a prelude to my dispatch. I find the flavour of my own apprehension difficult to assess. While there is definitely a manic, racing excitement that sometimes speeds my step when walking, there are elements of uncertainty – even dread – to counterpoint it. I worry about money, about the amount of reading that must be done, about the whole academic world. The last, in particular, is a concern. While I’ve certainly read and studied a lot, I’ve never really paid attention to specific authors. I know next to nothing about International Relations as an academic discipline. My exposure to IR theory is limited to the one Crawford class, which was mostly a savaging of Realism in all its forms.

While the whole scholarly approach to things is appealing to me, not least because I am reasonably good at it, I can’t legitimately suppress the knowledge that much of it is a waste of time: thoughts just spun around and going nowhere. I think that Kerrie’s decision to go off into the world and make a practical difference is the more courageous, the more respectable course. I applaud her for it and think anxiously of when I will pay off my massive debt to chance: to the million fortuitous accidents that put me here now with the skills, resources, and opportunities I have. In a world where there is to be any kind of fairness between people, that kind of spectacular fortune needs to be paid back to the world.

These daily entries feel solid: obligatory. Blog entries like ships-of-the-line, with cannons at the ready. In my mind, the blog is no longer a place for conspiratorial whisperings or the sharing of anything but the most blue-chip of thoughts. Such intimacy was probably never suited to the internet. Still, I can’t help regretting the loss of a place where entries could be the whispered asides of an unfolding life.

I fought the law and… did fairly well, actually

Today was mostly marked with good news. The Justice of the Peace who adjudicated my Translink case gave me a very considerable reduction in my fine: from $173 to a much more manageable $15. After the very brief court appearance, I spent a few hours reading The Economist and then having sushi for lunch with my father, near his office. When I got home, I was pleased to find a letter from the domestic bursar at Wadham College informing me that I’ve been granted a room for next year within the main complex of the College. I will be living in the Library Court, immediately above the College library. As my mother suggested, perhaps this will save the the discomfort of lugging a bicycle across half of England.

The one piece of bad news so far today relates to the fish paper. As E.D. Brown said in an email today:

Our referee was fairly positive about your paper though he felt that it could have been more tightly focussed and had a tendency to wander off into related regions/theories. He also noted that it was based on only a handful of secondary sources. Despite these observations, we might well have accepted your paper had it not been in competition with a significant number of other papers.

Reading it, the vision of an academic life that has been coming into tighter and tighter focus over the last few months wavered a bit. I am still hopeful that some journal can be found that will be willing to publish it. I always thought it more than a bit ambitious to submit it to Marine Policy in the first place, given my position as an interested neophyte in the subject area.

Last night, Fernando and I hammered together the version of the NASCA report which has been passed on to Allen Sens. It has been duly titled: “Common Threats, Shared Responses.” That’s partly to highlight our determination to make constructive criticisms rather than simply anger them with out uncomfortable undergraduate convictions.

In an hour, I am to meet with ITG – partly to discuss the future of the fish paper and partly as a sendoff. I am looking forward very much to the party on Saturday evening, as well as the hike on Friday morning. Alison and Ashley are both on board for the latter, with thoughtful messages from a few others who had to decline to participate.

Having a conversation and a drink with Ian was interesting, as always. Hopefully, he and Daniel Pauly will find some journal willing to publish the fish paper – once I have appropriately modified it for them. He has, in any case, been brought into the rolls of those who have official knowledge of the blog.

Departure in seven days.

Farewell to Meghan Mathieson

My court hearing with regards to the May 3rd Translink ticket has been moved forward from November 3rd to tomorrow, at my request. They won’t let me dispute the allegation in writing – only ask for a reduced fine – so I will be going into the Provincial Traffic Court tomorrow morning to make my argument: namely, that my U-Pass had expired three days before and, out on a date with Meaghan Beattie and late for meeting Nick et al, that fact didn’t really occur to me as we were getting on the Skytrain. Also, I will point out that I earned $8.15 an hour all summer and am taking on about $12,000 in debt next year for school.

I stopped at the courthouse on my way back from visiting Meghan Mathieson on campus. We had lunch at the Pendulum. More accurately, I did, since she is still feeling less than entirely well. Seeing her was quite pleasant; it’s always enjoyable to spend an hour in lighthearted conversation with her. It’s good to know that she is enjoying her new job and her new place of residence. I am glad she will be coming to my departure party in four days’ time.

After walking Meghan back to work – as the research secretary at the School of Nursing – I spent a while wandering the campus. Despite three passes through the hallway of offices for political science professors, I didn’t see anyone who I particularly wanted to. Outside the SUB, I did run into Katie from the NASCA trip, who I am glad to learn has read the report. We talked for a while on the grass in the middle of the Buchanon Quad before she headed off to class and I headed downtown, silently wishing the UBC campus what I presume to be a two years’ farewell.

The rest of tonight is devoted to producing a copy of the report to forward to Allen Sens tomorrow. I also need to prepare the written statement that I will give to the judge in court tomorrow. As was the case when he walked across the street from his office, at very short notice, to help me rearrange my court date, my father will be advising me on my defence. It’s not a lot of people who can call their attorney and have them appear at the courthouse to help them out in less than five minutes. Even fewer can pay for the services immediately afterwards by means of a slice of pizza.

Kerrie’s sendoff dinner

“Things, Helen, the sad silly evidence of things.” He said, “We’re told that possessions are ephemeral, yet my God how they outlast us – the clock on the bedside table, the cough drops, the diary with appointments for that very day.” And the meaning ebbing out of them, visibly.”

I spent much of today writing the executive summary for the NASCA report. It’s very difficult to do specifically because I’ve read the thing so many times that I can barely access it as intelligible matter anymore. The temptation is to procrastinate, but I really want to jump this last hurdle and finally be done with the it. It’s not that the project has been unrewarding or unimportant – merely going on for far too long. Within that context, trying to extract the gist from the broader report – in a way that’s neither too discursive nor too truncated – is a less than thrilling way to spend a packet of hours.

While it is cruel to relegate a great book to the position of an item on a to-do list, it’s a transformation that strips away the guilt of reading, rather than doing something else on that dire list. This afternoon, I finished part two of The Great Fire while avoiding the executive summary. The book is now at that dangerous point where you are tempted to push forward right to the end, gradually leaving behind appreciation as haste grows into the space it once occupied. That said, knowing that I should have the summary done before I head across town for dinner with Kerrie and Nolan puts a cap on my ability to act on such urges.

Tomorrow, I am to have lunch on campus with Meghan Mathieson. I’m not sure if I can even remember where last I saw her. How odd that someone can move from a position of absolute centrality in your life to one out on the poignant periphery. I suppose that will be a lesson frequently repeated during these last days in Vancouver: days which I am trying to mark with short visits, at least, to all those who I will miss terribly. The craziest thing, I think, is that when I come back, Sasha will be starting grade 12 and Mica will be going into his 4th year at UBC. Most of my friends are pretty well established, in terms of who they are as people. Spending a few years separated from them won’t strip me of my ability to recognize them. Moreover, I have all manner of means of staying in touch with them, whereas my brothers and I have only ever communicated in person. I wonder what the effect of this choice will be on my future with them.

An invitation

This Friday, I am planning to do a hike from the beach at Ambleside, in West Vancouver, up Capilano Canyon to Cleveland Dam, then up the road to the Grouse Mountain parking lot, and finally up the Grouse Grind and the final stretch to the summit. All told, it should take somewhere around four hours, being fairly generous about our rate of travel. Anyone interested in coming for either part or all of the hike is most welcome to do so. In the case of abysmal weather, it will probably be postponed. I am planning to leave from the beach sometime in the late morning. I am pleased to note that Alison is planning on coming along.

Kerrie’s sendoff dinner at Himalaya was quite satisfying: in the way that all-you-can-eat vegetarian curry buffets can be. After the equivalent of at least three Curry Point combos, I was very well sated. I was a bit surprised by how few of Kerrie’s friends I recognized, especially considering how many of them are in the IR program. Nonetheless, conversation was interesting and fun. The great majority of those present seem to have visited Africa, Asia, or both – all areas sadly lacking from my personal repertoire of wanderings. If I am going to continue to be serious about the study of IR, I shall surely have to visit both in the coming years.

I am sure that Kerrie’s year or two in Ghana will provide her with more of whatever combination of experiences and insights it is that continues to fuel her. It’s always impressive to see what kind of passion that mixture can evoke, particularly when its directed to railing against stupidity or hypocrisy.

Working for Staples no longer

Today, my tenure at Staples came to an end. It’s a thrilling turn of events because, with any luck, this will also be my departure from the whole world of entry level jobs. The next time when I have a space open for employment, I will have finished the first year of my degree at Oxford and (I think, I hope, I pray) will be able to get some kind of thinking job in the UK.

Immediately after work, I met with Fernando. First at Tim Horton’s, then at our favourite 24 hour produce shop (on Lonsdale), and finally at my parents’ kitchen table, we pushed the NASCA report forward to version 1-3 and created a new opening segment for it. Tonight and tomorrow, I will finalize the executive summary, while he will write a letter of introduction and produce a cover page. Then, we need only add some photos, tweak the formatting, combine the two sections without screwing up the separate pagination, submit the thing to Allen Sens so he can write an introductory letter, create distinct versions for print and for the web, print and post the thing, and relax. The great majority of the work – I estimate at least 100 hours of reading and writing on my part – is done.

All this was propelled forward tonight by one iced cappuccino of the size bigger than extra large and at least two litres of Earl Grey tea. The latter is strongly reminiscent of late nights in high school, when provincial exams were the most significant thing worrying me. I’ve only just realized how appropriate it was to spend the evening of September 11th writing a report about defence planning. I really appreciate all the hours that Fernando has put into helping me with this document – the only other member of the group who has made a large contribution to the writing or editing process.

I anticipate that Sens will take issue with sections of the report, but thankfully that can actually serve to help us. By saying: “I would never have thought this way, or said these things” he can underline the value, as least insofar as diversity of ideas goes, of having student expeditions like NASCA take place.

Tomorrow night, I am going to a restaurant on Main called Himalaya as part of Kerrie’s visit to Vancouver. I forgot to mention how yesterday, while walking through Fairview on our way to the law faculty, Meaghan and I ran into Kerrie and her husband Nolan beside The Beanery. Their presence definitely also contributed to the dispelling of my sense of Fairview primarily as a menacing place where my ex-roommates might be encountered.

I’ve been meaning for ages to write some appreciative and insightful comments about The Great Fire and I have been writing little notes to myself in my European poet style black lined notebook, but now is not the time for such things.

PS. Anyone who can give me a correct French translation of the following will have my thanks:

The North American Security Cooperation Assessment (NASCA) 2005 Student Tour was made possible through the generous support of the Security Defence Forum Special Projects Fund of the Canadian Department of National Defence.

Apparently, a single French paragraph is enough to make the report bilingual enough to suit the government. It says something about the state of my intellectual decay that I am not confident about my own attempt to translate the above – confounded by uncertainties about the proper usage of the partitive article.